topgear.com asked for motoring horror stories for Halloween. I tried posting this as a comment, but it seems to have disappeared as of this posting. So, since I've finally written the story, Magda convinced me to post it here.
Many years ago, my
family lived in Nigeria for a couple of years. We bought an old car
that had some issues. Several of them came to light when we took a
trip to the Yankari Game Reserve. This was a trip that had been
planned for a while and coordinated with some co-workers of my
father's, so we were not going to postpone it just because our brakes
were less than reliable.
So, the story starts on the
morning of the trip, when a friend of the family and I went to a
mechanic to get the brakes fixed. He would be the driver for the trip
because, even though my father had a driver's license, he didn't
actually drive, my mother didn't drive, and I was about 15. In any
case, we spent a couple of hours at the mechanic and, even though we
weren't quite sure he had fixed things properly, we went to pick
everyone up. On the way home, this friend expressed his uncertainty
at the state of the brakes, but neither he nor the rest of us were
going to be dissuaded by such a trifling thing. So, we left Kaduna,
with the plan to stop overnight in Jos. My father had
directions.
This worked great until we got to a place
where the road forked and he wasn't quite sure which way the
directions meant for us to go. So we stopped to ask directions and,
as best as we could tell later, were sent the long way around. Which
meant that, by then, the sun was setting. This was probably not the
best time to find out that our headlights were good for either
searching for things right in front of the car (right) or signalling
to aliens in outer space (left). At this point it is left to the
reader's imagination to decide why we did not let the other car we
had with us (a VW beetle, which, of course, had no issues whatsoever
for the entire trip) take the lead. In any case, we did not and
forged on as before. Until we missed a roundabout that came before a
railroad crossing.
Well, we did not actually miss it, we
just missed seeing it. What we actually did is hit it at about 100
kilometers an hour. Thankfully, 1979 Honda Accords were small and low
to the ground, so we all enjoyed the little car's best impression of
a plane, until our not-so-delicate landing. On said railroad tracks,
where the car refused to start. Thankfully, no trains were coming and
we were close to a village, so we enlisted some help in pushing the
car off the tracks. Nothing was seriously wrong with the car, so
after some fiddling under the hood and taking care of a couple of
things that had gotten loose, the car was ready to go again. At this
point, the fuel gauge, which had not worked since we got the car,
started working and it kept on working without problem until we left
Nigeria. So the lesson here is: if there’s something wrong with
your car that you can’t fix, try sending it flying and see if that
fixes it.
Anyway, at this
point, some part of our brains returned and we did have the beetle
lead the way to Jos. We made it there around 10 p.m., found a nice
hotel, and settled in for the night. In the morning, we thought we’d
better at least get the brakes checked. So we looked for another
mechanic, who looked at the brakes, checked them, promptly let some
air into the lines, and declared himself satisfied. We tried getting
the air out of the brake lines, but somehow that process dealt the
death blow to our master cylinder. Except we did not know it at the
time. I can only imagine how our friend who was driving found out.
I found out
because we were supposed to make a U-turn to return to the hotel and
by the time we passed the third opportunity, I had to ask why we
weren’t turning. The answer came back surprisingly calmly: “No
brakes.” So we did the only thing we could do: we kept going until
we found an uphill U-turn opportunity. We turned around and headed
for the hotel. Thankfully, the road to the hotel was uphill, so we
had enough time to slow down so that both my father and our friend
could lean half-way out the windows, wave frantically at the guy at
the gate, and yell “no brakes.” The message got through, as the
gate opened in time for us to crawl to a stop just beyond it. Time
for another mechanic.
This time we found
one who seemed to know what he was doing. The only problem was that a
brake master cylinder for a 1979 Honda Accord was not readily
available. So we got a master cylinder for a different car (Datsun?)
and only connected two of the lines – to the rear tires, if my
memory serves me right. So we had brakes. Sort of. You had to pump
them three times before they would actually hold enough to lock the
tires. But would we be deterred by such a minor detail? Of course
not.
Somehow, the rest
of the trip to Yankari went without a hitch and we had a wonderful
time there. The place is breathtakingly beautiful and I remember it
as vividly as I remember car flying on the trip there. But this is a
car story, so on to our journey back.
Things went well
until we got to a fairly big town (Bauchi, perhaps, though my memory
fails me here). There, we came up to an intersection directed by a
traffic cop. Because this is the trip where everything happens, he
motions to stop as we get close to the intersection. Of course, the
car that finally stops is the car in front of us. So we hit the
brakes once, twice, three times. Then we hit said car in front of us.
Now, that car was a taxi. Which, in Nigeria circa 1993, meant that
its front and rear bumpers were reinforced with thick pipe. In other
words, that car sustained no damage. Ours was not in too bad a shape,
either. But, of course, this took place right in front of the traffic
cop. So here he comes, ready to investigate. Amazingly, our family
friend managed to convince him that he had no business giving the
stop sign when he did, so we managed to get on our merry way.
Merry, that is,
until the flat tire. By now it was getting a bit late and we need to
find a place to patch the inner tube. So, because the people in the
beetle needed to be at work early the next morning, we sent my mother
and brother with them, while three of us stayed behind to nurse the
Accord back to Kaduna. The tire got patched, and we got going again.
By the time we passed Jos, night had fallen. Given our previous
experiences with the headlights, the fact that the crash earlier in
the day did nothing to improve their functionality, and the usual
state of most Nigerian roads (the “Built for Nigerian roads”
bumper stickers proudly advertising it everywhere), we were, at that
point, going 20-30 km/h. Until a car would come up behind us. At that
point, we would speed up to match its speed and try to follow it in
the hope that it would avoid most potholes. Unfortunately, most cars
driving at night on that road seemed to be taxis that were very much
intent on getting to their destination regardless of the damage they
would inflict on their cars. So, at the second or third pothole, we
would give up and return to our turtle pace.
Finally, one car
came up and looked like the driver cared enough to avoid potholes.
So, we followed it for about ten minutes, when, in the middle of
nowhere, it pulled over on the side of the road. Our family friend
decided to also stop and try to talk to the driver of the car. Don’t
worry, this is a car horror
story, not an actual horror story. Although, for the lady who was
driving the other car, it might have seemed a bit like a horror story
for a few seconds (car following you... stopping behind you in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night... well-built man walking up to your car...). In any case, our friend talked her into allowing
us to follow her into Kaduna. Which, in the end, turned out to be a
good thing for her, too, because at some point on the way she managed
to run out of gas. We, however, for all the other things we had not
planned for (night, or stopping the car, to name two of the more obvious ones), had brought a canister of fuel with us. So, some time
after 2 am, we finally made it back, and
all these years later, the details still have not faded :)